I'm home. I got here Monday evening early. Tired, nervous, burnt out and sick of myself, the bus, my stupid ideas of fun, the world, everything, this blog not least.
I'm still aghast at they way I ran it into the ground. That trip up north was totally unnecessary. I dug it thugh, but I have to say I was a bit surprised at a couple of things, Canadian culture in general and the Canadian Greyhound system., which is now virtually indistinguishable from the American bullshit, wore out, down to just the basics, impersonal.
And it seems like our northern cousins are also wore out with being nice now they are a bit more arm's length and a bit more tendency to assholeness. I don't care. I did enjoy being there and seeing all that country but it was frustrating to just be passing through and I can't think of a way to do otherwise, without a lot more money than I will ever have. I would like to travel out to Longworth where I went that one time it seems like the folks there were interesting excellent people and I dug it and made a bond that I hate just to walk away from but I know damn good and well none of that is true I made no impression they aren't really there any more and if I went there it would just be a big "who the fuck are you " type deal and I would hate myself for even going and for imagining this bonding thing at all.
And while I am at it I feel that way about the trip altogether, that it was a waste of resources, that Jane actually does hate me now, she never answers my texts never writes to me, and its because I went there and got up in her shit and saw her scene and reminded her of all the reasons there are to dislike me.
I put over a grand into this stupid trip. That's a lot of money I don't have. I hope I am wrong about Jane Coffee, she's a quirky kid, busy in her own life, her own friends, I'm 40 years older, and these kids now are on a whole nother level, thinking in a way I don't, about things I don't know about, with their own conventions and culture and she makes/made a huge effort to be my friend and maybe it just can't be done.
I'm sick. I drove myself into a Colitis episode. Like when I went to Thailand only this time I am determined to stay away from writing about poop all the time like I did back then. It's not rel bad yet so I have hopes that I will get out of it sooner than later but you never know. I called Dr Somogyi whom I have a great respect for we will see what happens now he is supposed to call me back today. I don't feel bad but I am worried when I see the "end results" and that's as descriptive as I intend to get.
I made a pot roast out of a huge slab of chuck I got at freddie's which came out excellent there's food for a week and plenty to put into the freezer after.
It's like I'm two people, one of us worried about money and being sick and the other ok with everything and just going on about her business. Depressing.
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