Boys Will Be Boys

Boys Will Be Boys

OH shit it didn’t work. Patience. Acceptance. Quiet for a minute, then brrp, brrp, like starting a moped, brrbrrr vroom off she went. I waited it out in silence, the occasional comforting murmur, saying nice things, making little conversation, then when went in for our first piss call I bolted, two hours was enough, El Paso still six hours away.

Tears in my voice if not in my actual eye I begged this little espanish type Mexican kid (30) English as a first language by the way, you cannot tell by looking, and he graciously allowed me in, having slept so tiny he could practically stretch out on the double seat.

I should have known when the fat lady wouldn’t put any of her shit in the overhead bin; pointedly keeping it balanced in her lap. Why bother, she knew damn good and well I would fold like a cardboard suitcase,

Later on passing her seat on my way back from a smoke break, I leaned over to her and in as menacing a voice as I could muster I muttered, “sure you win, you fat fucking cow."

The next time I went by she had her special crazy-lady-little-girl-lost expression of innocence like I associate with fecal smearing,kind of a "who, me?" look so I said " Yes, you, lady, smear this" and  from three feet away gave her a fully tumescent middle finger, my only remaining middle finger by the way, the one you can still see.As distinct from the secret finger, the ghost finger, which I reserve for stealth insults, that only me and God can see.

She got the message, I think. Although you can never tell how much a mind that far gone can retain.

Now for the ego meditation guru with the lacquered fingernails and the perfect hairless chin, who by the way takes his laptop with him to the shitter in the back of the bus. What’s up with that? Tibetan porno?

On my way back through an empty bus I assidently poured, wait, did I say poured?? I meant to say accidentally spilled, no, sloshed a half a cup of Evian water in his seat. It wasn’t deliberate, the cap on my water bottle was loose, and I lost it…Oops.

He sat back down when the break was over and we headed back out Interstate 10 through the century plant and prickly pear desert of central Texas. He assumed the lotus position, but not for long. Apparently he couldn’t get into Buddha mind with wet panties.

But he got his earlier wish (he tried to worm into the front most seat when the crippled vet went in out for a smoke) and moved into that coveted front seat, the one with no seatback jeopardizing your knees...

Where, by the way, I am now proudly ensconced. Bribery, plain and simple. That priority boarding is the shiznitt. Five bucks. First on. Happy.

But there’s no reading light up here, and it is gonna be dark in a minute. We all pay the price.

The boys in the back row spent a good half an hour goofing on the chick in the pink hat, the one not wearing a bra.....ME?.....  Me.... I sat on a fresh bag of crackerjacks and it esploded and I had crackerjacks plastered over my ass like fried chicken cracker breading. They don’t mean any harm, the future prison population of America. They’re just having fun. Like I said to the Emo kid sharing the seat with me from Van Horn to El Paso, “ Boys will be boys!!”

I don't care, they were goofing on a chick. As long as I am passing, I'm good to go.