I ran out of bluejeans. One pair was actually a little too big and rather than wait 3 weeks until I grow into them I cut them up last summer, cut the legs off to make, well, cutoffs. Which left the stubs or leg-sleeves laying around on my closet floor for 6 months. During which time I took a 4 1/2 inch high -speed angle grinder to my right thigh, which made a bit of a divot in said thigh, which healed up in a couple of months or so but the leg of my Levi's never did heal it only got worse.
I was saving the parts of the cutoffs to make a denim skirt, which would be the third one I made so far but the other two I made before I got fat and then I got fat and they only made me feel bad so I ditched them thinking I would never realistically be a 12 again in this lifetime. But it takes 4 legs to make a skirt, actually 3 but it ruins 2 pairs of jeans and for some reason I cut the legs off the other pair, the last good ones don't ask me why so my only bluejeans with actual legs were the ones with the not very fashionable grinder slash in the right thigh.
The skirt came out fine actually a little large but I can take care of that soon enough as we have already seen.
Upshot being I bought brand new bluejeans last Sunday and they are weird.
Back in the day I always went to Kmart for my jeans, new pair every 6 months so I always had them in various stages of fadedness. I always got the Rustler boot cut and back then in size 28-30. Hah.
But that was back before Estrogen and girl-fat and those were the days packing stacks of 2 x 4 and shit and all effing day long, too. Burn them calories. Yeah.
After the NA meeting Sunday morning and after my pal Maggi and I drove out to the far east side of Gresham which is halfway to effing Kansas it takes hours to get there but we wanted to go to that Joanns to see her friend who works there and then, after we had us a couple burgers at the King nearby, we forced ourselves to go into the Kmart on, like, 215 and Burnside and we split up and I went into nostalgia mode looking for bluejeans.
So I poked around and went to the men's clothing section in the back of the half empty store (you can see where these guys are having issues with volume) and in the bluejeans racks on the very back wall there were the Rustlers, 12.99 except for this one stack in the middle, holy shit there they were the Boot Cut and they were 9.99 exactly what they cost 15 years ago. Now the straight legs were pre-washed but I had to have the Boot Cuts, which were of course stiff as Formica and shiny like brand new denim is and they had that sizing smell, too and I was in retro heaven.
Monday morning I went through the new-bluejeans ritual.
The first run through the laundry wash/dry didn't even dent them, but a second run through the washer by themselves and the dryer they started to soften up and onto the ironing board to put the crease where it is supposed to go. These were the 34-30. I was hoping not too big. I needn't have worried. I went to put them on and after a few deep knee bends and baby wipes and a couple of squat-thrusts and I got them all zipped up and this is what I'm getting at.
Men's jeans are weird. The left leg is slightly but noticeably bigger than the other, and the crotch is cut low, so it feels a little like when your pantyhose starts to droop after all day up and down between your desk and the copier and you can't be arsed to go back to the loo to fix them and you sit there in your cubicle trying to pull them back up through your skirt which doesn't really work, ever. But these new bluejeans really felt odd, and I did try to pull them up higher and I wiggled around and I couldn't get them right and apparently that's how they are supposed to fit, and then I finally realized what was the deal. That's where their package goes. Where they put their dick, down the left leg. And room for balls in the middle.
Amazing.
I had totally forgotten.
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